“I’m struggling again.”
Those words send pain through my heart like no others could. They entail betrayal, a re-occurring pattern, and a feeling that I will never be enough. I know that the battle against lust will always a struggle for my husband, and for almost all men in general, but when he tells me these words I know it means that temptation has once again become too much.
My husband is the godliest man I know. He is upright in his faith and fully surrenders to the Lord in everything He does. But when Satan finds a weakness in you, he will not relent until we are safe in the arms of Jesus. That weakness, for my husband, is internet pornography.
We have tried to implement every precaution. Software installed on our computers, accountability with friends, him telling me what I need to be asking him on a consistent basis…. But still the struggles come. The fall to temptation is not even common, but it has happened several times throughout our marriage and each time seems more difficult than the last.
I love my husband with all that I am and always want to be a supporter and encourager for him. When he tells me that he has fallen, I always try to not rebuke, to show him only love and compassion and to help him decide what the best next steps can be in order to discourage temptation again. While supporting him is a blessing and something I am glad to do, it is hard to go on to the day-to-day tasks with the hurt that I must carry and only show moments of. A hurt that is so deep that even the slightest breath can bring it out. A hurt that I must live with until God chooses to heal the wound completely.
I tell you all this because of all the software protection, accountability, or Bible reading/praying/etc. that we try to implement, the thing that seems to help my husband stay away from falling again the most is my hurt. He hates it and begins to hate himself when he sees it in me. I only show him so much of what I’m feeling because my desire is not for him to hate himself, but to know the pain that it causes me so that he can say “no” much easier the next time.
This is a blog for traveling husbands. There is no easier temptation when you are traveling than free Wi-Fi and the easy access to Internet pornography. There is nothing easier than to hang up with your wife and kids that night after your nightly conversation and to open the computer and type in those 4 little letters into your search bar. There is nothing easier than porn, but there is also nothing more painful and more betraying. I share with you my hurt from my own marriage to hopefully give you a glimpse at what your wife feels or would feel if she knew. Do not hide it from her, because it is in those secrets that Satan breeds more and more deceit and more and more pain. No, be honest with your wife, but remember the next time you look to other women, whether physically or simply in image, just how much hurt you are bringing to her. Because no matter how great technology gets, no matter how much accountability you have, and no matter how badly you want to stop when that temptation rears it’s ugly head, the choice is ultimately yours. Think of your wife and the hurt you could bring her, think of your kids and the generational pattern you could be beginning, think of the Lord and rely on Him.
You are not a bad person if you struggle with pornography. God has made you for a greater purpose and can use your struggles for His glory. Rest in the fact that you have been redeemed and are a new creation in Him. Your sins do not define you and anything that has happened in the past can be used to better the Lord’s kingdom. Use the strength that only He can give to you and the peace that only He can bring as you walk through this battlefield of lust and temptation. He promises to never leave you and He never will.
Deuteronomy 31:6- Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
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Erin has been married to her husband Matt for 5 years. She recently graduated with her MA in counseling and seeks to use her education most in the area of marriage. She blogs over at Mystery32.com where she writes to both husbands and wives to encourage healthy and strong marriages. When not blogging, Erin enjoys time with friends, family and doing anything crafty. Feel free to stop by the blog and say hello anytime!
