My 15 year old son and the fight to keep porn out.

In our effort to keep #purity within our 15 year old son, I want to share the struggles we face to keep him pure. Let me set this up for you... He has a girlfriend who is also 15 years old. He has a cell phone with no data plan. He has an ipod hooked into the home wifi. He has a Wii and a PS3, both with internet through he wifi. He has a DSI and a PSP, both with internet through the wifi. He has a facebook account also.

People say get safe eyes or covenant eyes to protect the computers (home and laptop). That's solid advice, except for the fact that he is never on a computer. We protect the router using OPEN DNS that filters and blocks things based on my our criteria. We keep this set to highly secure to keep all forms of porn and other things we don't want him exposed to out of the house and off his devices. We have also blocked you tube at the router and through open dns.

So along with all these measures, the electronic devices go through semi regular inspections. We check text messages, safari history, google searches, email, and palringo. We monitor FB activity. It is alot of work and stress to ensure all the protection programs and systems are working properly.

Before you judge, we have a great son. We trust him. He is a natural leader and rarely follows the crowd. We survived middle school with no incidents. Some say we go overboard, and those that say that to us never check their sons activity. We know that porn addiction can be avoided by delaying initial exposure to porn. We are aware that he will not avoid porn for his entire life, but if we can do our best to avoid exposure then maybe he will be in the 50% of men that do not have a porn problem.

Maybe the best solution is to just turn the internet off in the house.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

Crazy Love Week 5

We all knew it was coming. We knew #crazylove would have to take us into a deeper look into ourselves. We knew the profile of a lukewarm Christian was too general to create change in us. So Francis Chan hits us with chapter 5. Serving leftovers to a Holy God. Ouch. Yikes. Oh Man....

I found it interesting that for the dreaded chapter 5, we were missing several members of the group... for various reasons, all good reasons, and understandable given how busy all of our lives are. (See Crazy Love week 4 post for more on that!) But the absence of a few left a very intimate discussion of the ones that were there...and in small group, there is absolutely nothing better than intimacy in sharing.

One of the key discussion points of the evening is the section that Chan writes "Let's stop calling it a 'busy schedule' or 'bills' or 'forgetfulness'. It's called evil." When we prioritize nearly every other thing in our life ahead of God, it is sin and evil.

For example, I have a choice every day before I go to work to 1. Pray with my wife, and 2. (At a minimum), spend some time alone with my Bible and with God. It is so sad that most days, I choose to leave for work without doing either. Yes, I choose that, maybe not in my thought process, but certainly in my actions. Sad.

Chan also uses the metaphor of swimming upstream. To be a Christian, you are constantly swimming upstream. It is a constant battle against the world, against the flesh, and against ourselves. Someone posted the other day that only dead things float with the tide. Interesting thought, is it possible to take short "breathers" on our journey? Some R&R for a few weeks a year? What are your thoughts on that?

So Chapter 5 is done, and we survived, hopefully with the insight in our ability to make the necessary changes in our lives to allow God to be our top priority. One would think this would be easy since we just experienced Easter.

Crazy Love, Week 2

Our small group continued our study of #crazylove last weekend. Chapter 2 is all about how God can call us home at any minute. We had some great discussion about regrets and highlights of life. We all were saddened by people that we know that have committed suicide, and this put a somber note for awhile. We are all excited to get into the "meat and potato's" of the study as we move into chapter 3!

But the main thing that I was thinking about when reading and discussing chapter 2 is in regards to the traveling men. What would happen if you died in your hotel room tonight? What would your wife see when she came to collect your things? Would she be proud of what you had in your room or what you may have been doing when you died? I know alot of guys who travel for their work. I know alot of guys that have "company sponsored affairs". I know alot of guys that do things when they are away from home that they would never ever do at or near home. Travel is liberating, and those men that live a double life while away from their wife have lost their foundation of love and support.

The temptation to misbehave is so strong. Satan is so good at what he does. Don't let him in. I am not saying you need to sit in your room with the computer off, the TV off, and your phone off. I am simply saying that the battles you face are spiritual battles, and we need to allow Jesus to fight them for us. This is hard to understand and hard to do, but He is there with you. Every day and every night.

100 miles from home

What is your magic "miles from home" number? Are you a local traveler that acts out in your sin closer than 100 miles? Mine was 100 miles. Nobody around, no risk of running into someone I would know. It was freedom, in it's own way. Looking back, it was pure insanity. So how far do you travel before you feel that freedom?

Family men who travel to make a living, to support our families -- we are in trouble. With porn addiction rates running over 50% in regular households, we all know it is over 80% in households of men who include regualr traveling in their job description. Maybe your secret sin is not porn -- maybe it is the actual act of infidelity, strip bars, alcohol, drugs, gambling... No matter what it is, it is still a secret and still a sin. And when it stays hidden in the darkness, that becomes Satan's playground.

So next time you are X # of miles from home and feeling that freedom, that pull to the darkness, remember you don't have to do it. You can resist. It is possible to win this fight -- one day (night) at a time.

Are you a cyber-sex addict? take the test! Be honest!

Cybersex Addiction Screening Test


By Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT



The Cybersex Addiction Screening Test is designed to assist the assessment of sexually compulsive or "addictive" behavior. The test provides a profile of responses which help to identify men and women with sexually addictive disorders.

3 or more "yes" answers indicate there might be a problem.


Do you spend increasing amounts of online time focused on sexual or romantic intrigue or involvement?

Are you involved in multiple romantic or sexual affairs in chat rooms, Internet or BBS?

Do you not consider online sexual or romantic "affairs" to be a possible violation of spousal/partnership commitments?

Have you failed in attempts to cut back on frequency of online or Internet sexual and romantic involvement or interaction?

Does online use interfere with work (tired or late due to previous night's use, online while at work etc.)?

Does online use interfere with primary relationships (e.g. minimizing or lying to partners about online activities, spending less time with family or partners)?

Are you intensely engaged in collecting Internet pornography?

Do you engage in fantasy online acts or experiences which would be illegal if carried out (e.g. rape, child molestation)?

Has your social or family interactive time decreased due to online fantasy involvement?

Are you secretive, or do you lie about the amount of time spent online or type of sexual/romantic fantasy activities carried out online?

Do you engage with sexual or romantic partners met online, while being involved in marital or other primary relationship?

Are there increasing numbers of complaints or concerns from family or friends about the amount of time spent online?

Do you frequently become angry or extremely irritable when asked to give up online involvement to engage with partners, family or friends?

Has the primary focus of sexual or romantic life becomes increasingly related to computer activity (including pornographic CD ROM use)?

Are you a SEX ADDICT? Take the quiz!

Be 100% honest!  You ARE just hanging around in a hotel room...alone, I hope!

Men's Sexual Screening Addiction Test


By Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. and Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT



The screening test below is designed to help you self-identify a potential sexual addiction problem. It offers an overview of concerns frequently presented by both men and women seeking help for problem sexual behavior.



Instructions

Answer each question by placing a check in the appropriate yes/no column. Questions with an asterisk* are not related to sexual orientation. Answering yes to more than 3 questions may indicate a sexual addiction problem, which should be openly discussed with a trained sexual addiction specialist.



Questions





Do you believe you have a sexual problem? *

Do you often justify or minimize the extent or type of your sexual and romantic behaviors to yourself or others?

Do you often find yourself preoccupied and distracted by sexual thoughts when you do not wish to be?

Do you regret the time and energy you spend in the pursuit of sex or romance?

Has paying for sex ever challenged your finances?

Have your sexual or romantic behaviors ever caused physical or emotional harm to anyone - including spouses and long-term partners?

Do you have trouble stopping any aspects of your sexual behavior even though it may go against your values and beliefs or even cause you harm? *

Is your involvement with pornography, phone sex, online sexual interactions, etc. greater than your intimate contacts with romantic partners?

Do you keep the extent and/or nature of your sexual behavior a secret from your intimate friends and/or partners?

Are you eager for events with friends or family to be over so that you can leave to have sexual adventures?

Do you regularly go to strip clubs, sexual bathhouses, sex clubs and/or adult bookstores?

Do you believe that pornography and anonymous or casual sex have kept you from having more long-term intimate relationships or from reaching other personal goals?

Do you have trouble maintaining sexual interest or intimacy once the "newness" of the person has worn off?

Do your sexual encounters ever put you in danger of arrest (e.g. seeing prostitutes, sensual massage, having sex in a public place)?

Do you have unprotected sex with prostitutes and/or anonymous partners (please consider unprotected as: oral, anal and vaginal experiences without protection)?

Has your sexual behavior ever caused physical or emotional harm to others (Examples include: lying to a spouse, breaking your commitments, giving people diseases, etc.)?

Have you ever been approached, charged and/or arrested by police or other security personnel as a consequence of your sexual behavior choices?

As an adult, have you ever been sexual with someone under the age of 18?

After you have sex, do you sometimes feel depressed afterward or become angry with yourself about what you have done? *

Have you made repeated promises to yourself to change some form of your sexual behavior only to break those promises later? *

Has your sexual behavior ever interfered with some aspect of your professional or personal life? *

If questioned, do you lie to those close to you about your sexual behavior? *


Do you routinely pay for sex (examples: have ësensual massagesí, see prostitutes)?


Have you ever had sex with someone just because the situation aroused you, yet later felt shame or regret for doing so? *


Do you regularly cruise, public restrooms, parks, and/or red-light districts seeking anonymous sexual encounters?

Be RESOLVED!

I was reading the Book of Daniel and thought I would share a little….

Daniel 1:8 -à But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine…

Let's change it a little (I think God won't mind!)-----> But Kevin (or your name) resolved not to defile himself with pornography (or whatever your secret traveling sin may be).

RESOLVED is a strong word, and if you were asked if you have strong resolve, you would most likely say yes. But when it comes to the secret sin, your resolve isn't what it should be. It's weak. Daniel resolved himself not to eat the rich food from the kings table, he resolved himself to not sell out his beliefs and culture. If you were taken as a slave by another culture, would you be strong enough to resist? Think in terms of being a slave to your secret activities. It's not pleasant. Pleasing God means obedience. Obedience means discipline. Discipline means hard work.

It is a daily battle. I know. Resist it and be obedient. RESOLVE yourself to not saying yes.

Don't let the lion steal your resolve.

Another Secret Sin...Found Out

Read the news this morning? Rick Pitino busted on his secret sin. This one is messy and really ties in well with my last post about dying while away.

Rick was being extorted for 10 million $$ by a woman he had sex with. Not just sex. sex in a restaurant, on a table, with his assistants close by. I know alot of you just thought to yourself "cool". But it's not cool.

The woman gets pregnant and Mr. Pitino gives her some cash, possibly for an abortion. Totally un-cool. Than the extortion for the cash. Again, not cool.

So Mr. Pitino potentially is throwing his career away. He DOES have an ethics and morality clause in his contract, you know.

Sexual Sin. Sexual Addiction. It is a growing problem and needs to be dealt with and fought.

Remember, Mr. Pitino got CAUGHT on this one, I wonder how many other women there are out there that have had relations with him.

Oh, and by the way, Mr. Pitino has a heavy TRAVEL schedule. Alone on the road (or with his "assistants").

Keeping it between the lines

I am using a driving metaphor when I say "keeping it between the lines".When we drive a car, we are constantly making little corrections to our speed and direction to keep the vehicle between the lines on the road. Those little course corrections keep us going in the direction we want to be going at a safe pace.

When we travel, we forget to make those little course corrections. After all, we REALLY don't have accountability when we are on the road. So a few failed course corrections can have some serious implications.

Some examples of failed course corrections:

1. An extra drink at the bar with the guys. Normally you wouldn't do that, but since you are on the road, nobody will care...right?
2. A friendly smile to a girl in the bar (or in the elevator or wherever). Again, this is not the norm, but you are just being nice and friendly....right?
3. Checking out the titles of the adult movies on the hotel TV. Would you do that if your wife was sitting on the bed next to you?
4. Firing up the laptop "to check on a few things". How often does that lead you to a website that you told yourself you were not going to go to? Alot, I bet.
5. Ordering a huge meal (and eating it all)when you are trying to lose weight. Is it just a way to fill the loneliness?
6. A physical touch (innocent, of course) with a female in the office/location you are visiting while away from home. Your a long way from home and nobody will ever know...right?
7. Lying to your wife about where you have been and what you have done....she wouldn't understand the truth anyway, would she?

We as men screw up. We are good at messing up. It seems to just come naturally. It is especially easy to mess up when we are away from home and alone. Add to this the fact that we as men really don't have deep friendships with other men that can help us through temptation.

If this sounds familiar to you and you really want help in making small course corrections, send me an email...kevin@travelingmanministry.com

Can we be Free of Sin?

It's the age-old question! Can we really be free of temptation and sin? Yes, we can! But we can't do it alone! We set ourselves up for failure by isolating ourselves and not being open and honest in our relationships, even with our wives. We can't tell them we are tempted to do things we shouldn't. We can't tell them we looked longingly at a woman and had lust enter into us. We can't tell them we fell entitled and we deserve to have a release while we are on the road.

We need help.
We CAN fight this together.
We CAN stay pure and free from temptation and sin.
We CAN make the right choices when we travel.
We CAN honor our families with our decisions.

Let TMM come alongside you and help. You will be amazed at the power in 3 (You, Me, and Christ!) -- It is a bond that can't be broken!

email me -- Kevin@travelingmanministry.com It is never too late to do the right thing.

TMM: Hurt and Pain

There is so much hurt and pain among men and we love to just suppress it and bury it! It is time for us to face it and deal with it! It is ok to not be perfect!

It's Weak to Show Weakness!

Why, for a man, is it weak when we show weakness? I see it all the time with the guys I talk to. They are so slow to open up and get to the issues that are plaguing them. They try to hide it and dance around it, and deny it; but it is all a lie! And it is burning inside of them.

We must be strong we are told when we are young. Stop crying! Hide those emotions! Big boys are tough! It's definitely not cool to not be strong. All this is learned at a very early age.

Enter into our lives isolation and loneliness, especially when we travel. This opens the door for porn, alcoholism, infidelity, gambling, over-eating and a bunch of other things.

What happens when we stop trying to hide all the hurt and pain we have stored up inside us? It is 1,000% liberating! To be able to unload for awhile and let our guard down. Trust me, there is nothing else like it! Find someone you trust, someone you REALLY trust, and start building a relationship. Take it slowly, and allow God to be with you. Slowly open up as you feel confident in the safety of the relationship.

Lets finally stop thinking that it is weak to show weakness. Being vulnerable is a sign of weakness for men. Opening up and talking about feelings and hurts and our past is a sign of weakness for men, so we are told. But what is viewing porn?what is cheating on our wives? What is carrying around 30 or 40 years of disappointment?

I am happy to be considered weak and be free of pain and bondage.

Traveling Man: Breaking the Cycle of Despair

Ever hear of the cycle of despair? I had read about it years ago and didn't even realize i was living it. The cycle begins with an action, usually and typically the wrong action. It's when you do exactly what you don't want to do. It's watching the movie in the hotel room, it's having one more drink at the bar and flirting with a woman, it's firing your laptop up just to see what's going on, it's hitting the strip bar, it's whatever it is that you do that you try not to do. You know what I mean.

The action gets "green-lighted" by you and you do it. After it's complete and all done, you kick yourself for doing it. You realize you made a mistake but you could not stop yourself. This creates shame, guilt, and remorse.

The cycle ends with promises to yourself to never act out again. You had the release you were after and now life is back under control. These promises sometimes include a crying out to God to take this problem from you. And then life goes on... your back to normal control and all is well!

The problem with the Cycle of Despair that we so often live in is that it does not include help or confession or growth. We have not changed anything in our life to think that we will be able to exhibit self-control in the future. Sure, we can install software on our computers that will help prevent porn from being accessible. Sure, we can call the front desk to have them block the porn movies on the TV. These are protections and smart things to do, but they don't change the behaviors or get to the root cause of the problem.

Every day that we travel and stay pure is a victory. We know how hard it is, how lonely it is, how Satan and our need for attention and affirmation work together to get us to act out.

It's hard, and I understand. Allow TMM to come alongside you and support you. email me at kevin@travelingmanministry.com. It's time for purity and God-honoring behaviors when we travel.

Traveling Man

The whole idea behind TMM is to help men stay pure, clean, sober, and protected while away from home. Not every man struggles when he travels, but every man is tempted in one way or another when on the road. It's sad but true, and it happens time and time again.

Very few men confide in their wives about the true temptations while away. In fact, the typical guy has nobody to share this with, which means no help is sought. And when there is someone that can help, very rarely is the full story told... it's usually masked with the word "struggling", or something to indicate its under control.

TMM is here to help. Whether you have a sexual addiction, a "little porn problem", a full blown traveling affair, over indulgence in food or alcohol, or most importantly just want an added layer of protection from temptation.

Email kevin@travelingmanministry.com. Trust me, I have heard or done it all. nothing will surprise me and there is no judging going on. Just listening, prayer, support, and help!

Is an Emotional Affair Considered Cheating?

Dr. Robi Ludwig was on The Today Show today talking about emotional affairs. It was a good piece and she was crystal clear in her answer. Yes, emotional affairs are cheating. Emotional Affairs make you hide something from your wife, and they force you to withdraw from your wife. You don't have enough emotional stamina to keep up with 2 women for very long. The emotional connection with your wife WILL suffer and she will notice. You will argue more and more and you will wish you were with the other woman. Your mind will create a new, better life with the other woman.

The Today Show piece also talked about how much trouble we men get into at work. Meetings, emails, innocent flirting and the next thing we know we have things in common. Then we have lunch together, and then it takes off from there.

Smart men avoid this all together. They don't begin any sort of relationship with women in the workplace. However, we're not very smart, are we? We think we can handle it. We want to be wanted. We want to be affirmed and accepted. We crave attention. And down that road we go.

Add traveling and being alone in a hotel room. Oh, the trouble we can engage in! And what if that woman we have been innocently flirting with happens to be on the same business trip and staying in the same hotel? It's a short step from an emotional affair to a physical affair.

Emotional affairs are dangerous! I know, I had one.

Will you allow me to come alongside you and help? email me at kevin@travelingmanministry.com safe and confidential.

Those Interstate Signs!

Ever notice how the signs along the interstates seem to start advertising XXX shops about 50 miles before you get to them? And not just XXX shops, same thing applies for massage parlors, strip clubs, and other places that require time to roll around in our heads before we say "yes". Here is how it all works (in my opinion!):

We see the billboards advertising the place. It says XXX at exit whatever, but its always 50 miles away or more. This is what I call the seed. This little seed gets planted in our heads just by glancing at the billboard. Somehow the exit number gets burned into our minds.

Next, the seed gets some water from Satan. He lets it roll around in our heads, helping us justify the stop. Nobody will know. You deserve it. It's just a little porn shop - no big deal. It's better than cheating on your wife. And on and on.... sound a little familiar?

Another billboard, this one maybe 5 miles out. This is when you give yourself the "green light" to stop and go in.

And than it's done. Once you give yourself the grren light to act out, nothing will stop you.

The key to stopping the cycle is to stop the seed from getting planted. Once you see the billboard, PRAY! Pray to get that seed of temptation out of your brain. Get help however you can! Call someone - an accountability partner, your wife, whomever. But just making the call isn't enough - you have to tell them what's going on. Thats the way it works.

As always, I offer you the opportunity to post a comment anonomously. Or you can email me at kevin@travelingmanministry.com.